My Communication Conundrum

Do you ever feel like you are saying one thing but the person you are talking to is hearing something completely different? I felt that way recently. It’s frustrating. Before long I shut down. It doesn’t feel safe to express myself if I am constantly misunderstood.

Photo by Anna Shvets: https://www.pexels.com/photo/women-talking-4557878/

That’s how it felt in the moment, but after giving it a bit of time to let the dust settle, and a couple of calm honest conversations, I realized I have been highly irritable for some time. Menopause is no picnic. Hormone imbalance does not excuse my behavior, but it does explain it.

So, after I booked my Dr appointment, I decided I needed a refresher on effective communication. LinkedIn Learning occasionally unlocks learning modules for a limited time, and I took advantage of the free Nano Tips For Communication with Selena Rezvani. I learned some very helpful techniques.

I also remembered something that I once knew but forgot to practice over time. I wish I could remember where I learned it to give proper credit. I’ll explain more about this very helpful practice in a minute.

Do you, like me, prefer learning from someone else’s mistakes rather than making them yourself? Let me do you a solid — I’ll share what I learned, and maybe you will benefit too.

Here are some common communication mistakes that I make:

1. I use passive words too often, so my opinion is not always considered. Words like I think, I guess, or I suppose, do not instill a great deal of confidence in the listener/reader that I know what I’m talking about, and when I pair it with an aggressive tone I shut down the room. I am trying to replace them with more direct words like I recommend, I propose, I expect, I advise.
2. If I disagree with someone, I am often too fearful to express it because I don’t always know what to say, and I don’t want to risk the relationship by saying the wrong thing. I am learning to paraphrase what I heard to avoid misunderstanding. It’s ok to have a different perspective — just don’t state your perspective as fact or truth. Don’t assume that sharing your different take on a situation will kill the relationship.
3. I sometimes use judgement laden words like fault, stupid, or wrong. Words like that leave no space for anyone else’s opinion. I don’t want to be judgmental, so I am learning to use words like different, choice, or option.
4. I engage in negative self-talk. This is not good for my mental health, and it makes everyone in the room uncomfortable. The negative statements I tell myself are usually not true, and I would never talk that way to a friend, so why do I talk to myself that way? Not ok. I am learning to be kinder to myself by repeating the following affirmations: I am more than enough. If I make a mistake I can right myself. I can do hard things well. I deserve to be here. Everyone wings it sometimes.

Thank you, Selena Rezvani, for these effective techniques!

If I am feeling agitated and irritable, however, I find it harder to put these things into practice. I am much more likely to spout off with cutting remarks that don’t help the situation at all. Sarcastic passive-aggression is my mother tongue and comes far too easily to me. This is why I need to practice the thing I learned a long time ago but forgot about:

Say the third thing.

Here’s what that means:

If I can pause long enough to take a breath, I can stop myself from saying the first thing that comes to mind, which, if I am in a negative head space, is usually passive-aggressive and hurtful. The second thing that comes to mind is typically not much better than the first thing. I find it best to not say that one either. The third thing is frequently far more appropriate and less cutting, so I say that thing.

I am hopeful that as I continue to practice these positive communication techniques they will come more easily to me. But let’s be honest — I am still likely to drop the sarcastic bomb from time to time. I promise to do it from a place of humor rather than using it to take a verbal shot at someone.

Correction — I promise to try.

Lisa LeBlanc is a blogger and managing editor of the Medium publication Words On The Wing. Lisa is currently working on her first memoir project with Siretona Creative. Find more of her work here.